Meet the New Year - Same as the Old Year.

My fellow peoples, whoever you are.

Happy New Year. In other words: 新年あけましておめでとうございます。

2021 is slated to be a new and better year than 2020. I will not concede that sentiment. So far, most greetings of that kind are a total sham and a travesty. And believe me, I know what travesties are. My friend Ian seems to revel in them. (God bless him!)

Anyhow, if you want to prevent this year from becoming a fraud, here are some tips which I hope you don't follow:

1) Follow through with your New Year's resolution. It almost never happens so don't even bother.

2) Make a list of things you want to accomplish by the end of the year. It's obvious that they

will never happen if you stay a useless lump watching horny cat videos on the tube whilst

wallowing knee-deep in your own smelly little orthodoxies.

3) Actually follow through on your bucket list! There's nothing more self-gratifying or

horrifying than treating the world (and for some quarantining amidst the COVID pandemic,

your body) like an amusement park. So go ahead: graduate college, get your PhD in Applied

Debauchery, travel to that exotic place with the funny name at the other side of the world

and experience your first five-some with your hot co-workers. You won't regret it, but at

least I'll do my own thing away from you.

4) Stop acting like a whiny little bitch and accept the results of the contest. It's adorable that

you're complaining about losing to the Old Man and the Sea infested with what you consider responsible for all the ills of society (*cough* moderate liberals *cough*).

5) Disregard 1-4 and just do whatever you want.

This all looks like incoherent drivel. And it is! But I hope this can help you, the perpetually optimistic individual, stop the steal that reality (and realism) is planning.

May you all have a positively eventful 2021! (Maybe.)